wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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