Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
