i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
