I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
