well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
