My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
