Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
