I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
