so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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