dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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