I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
