I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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