wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
