well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.