Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage