I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.