just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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