remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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