very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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