Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
