So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
