I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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