Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
