smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
