I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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