I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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