the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
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Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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