I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I will pee on everything he values.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
