Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just sucked dick on a ferry
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
