He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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