I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
