It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
