The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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