The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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