i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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