Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
