seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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