you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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