I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
