You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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