how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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