Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
