I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
