As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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