I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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