I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
