If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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