I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
