suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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