I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
