He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
