I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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