I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
