just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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