I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
