can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
